There is always the question of how honest to be on this blog.
Let me say I'm trying to be as honest as I can. I write for me. I write to express, actually to expel how I'm feeling. It is equivalent to pushing the breath out of the lungs. When I push these thoughts and emotions out, there is room for more. It literally makes it easier for me to breathe. Maybe I'm training myself for bigger gulps. (Please Lord, big juicy gulps of something better than cancer).
The caveat to my honesty is, of course, I am also trying to save some of my and my family's dignity.
For example, when I said the other day the steroids aren't charm enhancers, don't you just know that there was probably a stretch of shouting, sobbing and slightly less than reasonable discussion between Jim and me that night. Tonight, it seems like that might have been the steroids. The other night, I could have reached another conclusion that probably would have involved a number of expletives. But, hey, I love an expletive.
So today's honesty, the good news is I must feel better because I am sad in a quiet and lonely way I haven't been to date. I'm going to take this as a positive sign. You can never feel properly sorry for yourself if you are really miserable.
The chemo symptoms are lessening. I went out with a friend this afternoon. I ate an impressive amount of food today. I restarted my solo yoga practice. Unfortunately, my woe is me is still swollen.
From my honesty, to Jim's. Jim, as you know, is the sparkle and spontaneity to my plodding and pragmatism. One of the things that makes me the saddest about this damn diagnosis is how it affects him. So many of the best things about Jim are foiled by this fucking disease. His endearing "let's go" "you'd love"" the "how about?" the "why don't we"are all on hold. I told you my woe was swollen.
So, I'm sad today, but better. Nausea (spelled correctly because I finally found the spellcheck) is better. The snow was nice. Snowangels were made. Ian chatters and chatters. We had Lou Malnati's pizza for dinner. Jim is having a beer. The Wizards are losing, but it is only the third quarter. And there is a tv in my bedroom, which as I already noted, is awesome.
