I was thinking about what I want. Anticipating how to answer the question everyone asks - how can I help. What's so hard is just that all I want is my own tedious and exquisite life.
I watched one of the most gorgeous and glamorous wedding videos on a friends Facebook page today. I expected some sadness. Some envy at the promise and the glamour and the richness of her life. I felt none. I actually felt such a resounding sense of gratitude for my own messy, chaotic, noise-filled, grief-filled, no dishwasher-having life. Incidentally, Mom and Rick did draw a very random line this week. The old stove was too much - dirty, hot, hazardous, many things. A new stove arrived today.
Anyway, I'm so cozy right now. It's been eighteen months in this house. It feels like my home. Which is so deeply important to me. So much better than when I was on maternity leave with Ian or even during the chemo eclipses last winter. "Cozella" a Dutch word Casey and Dana taught us during our NYE visit to Amsterdam, maybe five years ago. How old are our pack of boys? Eh, maybe six. Cozella applies. I feel good in my home.
Tomorrow, I will über to work. Not sure about Wednesday yet. Thursday they'll take thirty stitches out of my head.
Next week, we will get a radiation plan. Which apparently will result in hair loss. I had been told that but had forgotten it in the post-surgery haze. So, that was a bit of a shocker in my Monday. Because I didn't already climb that mountain.
The thing is with cancer, you don't get to ask for anything. You have no terms. It's crazy. In life, in my life, you always at least get a chance to ask for something. Maybe the answer is no, but you can ask. Here, if cancer wasn't such a fucker, I'd ask for eyebrows. See, I'm not even greedy. Fine, take the hair, apparently it's mostly missing in the back anyway. Leave me the vanity of a face of my kids and I know.
Oh, I I turned a little angry. See the 9:30 steroids kick in? Only one more day.
