I stumbled on a few interesting articles on the New York Times. "Faces of breast cancer " caught my attention. For the first time, I was curious to look around. The peers I found surprised me. I saw a lot of pictures of mothers with young kids. I saw a lot of families who look like I feel. Smack in the middle of our joys and richness - the pudding of life. With breast cancer. It was a younger picture than I expected. I draw strength from the images. These are not just my friends mothers. These are me. These are peers stripped bare by some cancer and it's power to take, divide and sometimes give back.
There was also an article on the power of writing your personal narrative experience on defining and redefining the experience as positive. It's essentially what this blog is. My effort to understand, give meaning, take meaning, provide myself and others a sense of something tangibly meaningful from life - an arbitrary and uninfluencable sequence of events.
Jim reflected on our two weeks last night. I didn't realize but two weeks ago, he was sitting in the hospital all night with Brian while I waited for the midnight MRI. When he reminded me, I barely remembered it.
Two weeks on steroids. I'm testy. I'm emphatic. I'm literal and impatient. My dosage has been dropping and today I got to reduce it by fifty percent. I'm off steroids in four days. I think we are all looking forward to the side effects tapering off. What's another four days.
I just try to explain to Miles in the quiet moments that families love each other no matter what. He has definitely suffered thrugh some moments I'm not proud of. But again, I believe in family. It's messy, true and raw and silly and strong. And it's okay if you get it wrong sometimes. Just try harder next time. Ain't that some shit to try to message to a four year old to explain why mom is acting crazy.
Jim just can't quite get who I am on steroids. I'm pretty emotionally aloof. Maybe that is a thank you to the steroids. Mom might be crazy, but she sure isn't weepy. So we don't make very good sense or communicators right now. That's complicated for the kids too.
